Charming People 4: Krystal

Aside from having a name that makes impossible for her NOT to have been born in the 1980's, Krystal is a pretty amazing lady.

When I lived with her, she was the cutest mixture of party girl and midwestern mom you could imagine. She spent equal amounts of time making casseroles for our apartment for dinner, going out clubbing, working at a small-town public pool, playing Pretty Pretty Princess, and wearing her Marilyn Monroe wig to classes just because she felt like it at the moment.

One of her favorite things to do in the evenings was to watch her Best of Will Ferrell Saturday Night Live dvd, and when she wasn't doing that, she'd make us dinner and shout with us across the table. My favorite thing to do was to watch my roommates should at each other and wait for our across-the-hall neighbors to come in to see if everything was ok.

We cried at the end of the year when we all moved out.

Now Back and Better Than Ever!

My computer, that is. My writing, well, we'll see. Maybe next week.

In the meantime, here's my weak excuse for new content:

Somehow I've become inspirational to multiple people lately. Or maybe I've just had good ideas? I recently got this urge to keep a bunch of journals. You know, one just for travel, one for work, one for dreams, one for bicycling. I suppose that in order to inspire people, you don't necessarily have to do the thing yourself; just spreading the word is enough, because although I've only written in two of my six journals, I've been telling everyone I know about the plan. So far at least three other people have jumped on the Journal Train, and one person went so far as to confide in my that she's suddenly started remembering her dreams when she never could before. Cower before me, for I can make people dream!

Also! Is it just me, or are there Colin Meloy's running around all over the place? Maybe it's just the glasses, but I've seen more of his doppelgangers than one can reasonably shake a stick at, and really I don't even get out all that much.

Also! Chaim Potok, as a personal favor to me, could you please not write such heartwrenching stuff? I just finished The Chosen and now I'm all dehydrated.

Psst

You may be wondering why, after getting such an energetic start to my Charming People series, I suddenly stopped saying anything at all. You might guess that it's because I don't know all that many Charming People.


But you'd be wrong.


I stopped writing because my computer suddenly and unexpectedly died on me. It's been a tough couple of weeks, let me tell you. I'm taking it in to be injected, inspected, detected, infected, neglected and selected today, so hopefully we'll be back in business soon.


Just so you know.

Charming People 3: Mrs Wahnsiedler

She was my Kindergarten teacher.

She taught me to read.

She had us put on a circus with hair-raising performances like hula-hooping to music. I think I was a clown.

She didn't say anything when I bought chocolate milk every day instead of regular milk for lunchtime.

She started every new year maintaining that, like Christopher Robin, she was six, and would never be any older. She must've been in her seventies by the time she was my teacher.

Charming People 2: Jukebox

For my second installment in the Charming People series, I'm casting back to my first job: Taco Bell, the first two years (two years!) of college.

Jukebox had a real name, but only his coworkers knew what it was. His nametag said Jukebox and that's how all the customers knew him. He worked the late night shift, and once business had slowed to a trickle for the evening he would sing and rap for the customers in the drive-through and chat everyone up, as if he wanted nothing more than to talk to the people who happened to be at Taco Bell at 10:30 on a Tuesday night. I think perhaps there might have been nothing he wanted better than that.

Skinnier than a skeleton and not much prettier, he was everyone's favorite, from coworkers to customers to managers to even the corporate suits that would come in every once in a while. He'd never gone to college (heck, I'm not even sure he finished high school), but he knew more about current events, history and religion than anyone else I came in contact with. He was also one of the most generous people you'll ever meet; the "he'd give you the shirt off his back" sentiment is beyond cliched, but it truly describes Jukebox.

My life was enriched by knowing this skinny white guy from Minnesota who regularly sang the chorus to Get Low by Lil Jon and Eastside Boyz, loudly, while I mopped the floor every night after closing.

Charming People 1: Bill

I read once that Oscar Wilde had something to say about how to judge people. He posited that "it is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious."

I've found that in general he was right, and so in general I try to spend time around the charming people, and avoid the tedious ones. I save a lot of time that way. Every once in a while I wonder if perhaps my idea of charming is different than everyone else's, but I suppose that doesn't matter a whole lot.

I'd like to introduce a few people that I've run across in my life that have been charming. Today let's talk about Bill*.

Bill was a grad student (now an assistant professor, I think) (yes, across the country)** that taught a few of my sociology courses as an undergrad. Bill is of Greek descent, liked to watch movies and google whatever popped into his head during the middle of class, and told great stories. He found some time in the middle of all that to teach us a lot about culture and religion.

He's a scrawny guy, had black hair and a bushy beard and Buddy Holly glasses, your typical nerdy sociology grad student. He always wore these horrible pants- one pair was butter yellow and the other was baby blue- and a polo shirt, with old man sneakers.

When he was a young man, like somewhere between age 7 and 15, apparently his father took him to Greece to see the fatherland. While they were there his father decided that he (Bill) needed to be baptized, and hired some Greek Orthodox priest to do the deed in a local stream. The story goes that there he was, a geeky American kid, standing in a Greek stream in his shorts, about to be baptized, when a bus full of tourists drove up and stopped right there. He said he wanted to tell all the tourists that he wasn't an authentic Greek, but was too busy being dunked in the water to do so while the cameras pointed and clicked.

So many of his stories center around some humiliation or another (another time he was pulled over on his bike twice and fined for not having a headlight on after dark), and he told them with such indignance and obvious relish. I think that if it turned out none of those things ever happened to him, and that he was actually a compulsive liar, it would just add to his charm.

Everyone should be taught by a Bill at some point in their life. If you haven't yet, you need to start looking up classes to take at your local college. Go for a Master's, what the heck.


*I'll leave out last names, since these are all people I've known more or less in passing, and they might be creeped out to google themselves and find somebody they don't remember has been blogging about them.

**Oh, I feel sad now that I'm NOT using last names, because everyone should google Bill's name the way I just did. I got a huge belly laugh out of the different places he comes up on The Internet.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

Ever since Carrie and Justin both graduated, I never find love notes on my car after work anymore. Sigh.

Frustrated, much?

Once upon a time I went to Mexico. In Mexico they sell you things cheaply, sometimes swindle you, and sometimes kill you on the highway and leave your body for the crows to find.

I didn't get killed or swindled (yet!), but I did buy a cheap hammock. It's actually a very nice hammock, I met the dude that made it, he seemed nice, and it's blue and white. And comfortable. I know this because I set it up at the beach house we stayed at while we were there.

All good things must come to an end, and being back at home I realized that there was a crucial error to my purchase. Namely, we have no trees. The house we live in, it has no landscaping at all, just dirt and many, many rocks. Likewise there are no beautifully exposed rafters or anything on our porch to attach a hammock to, so my lovely blue and white hammock has been sitting, wound up in a ball, on a shelf in my room for a few months now, completely unused since its first glorious day in Mexico.

This weekend I decided that this would have to change, and that I would buy a stand to attach this thing to NO MATTER WHAT, even if the stand cost more than five times what the hammock did, I was going to sleep in that thing on Saturday night.

Many stores and hours later, after searching high in low in every likely and unlikely spot, still no hammock stand. I know that these things can be easily purchased via the internet, but I want instant gratification! If I shell out the dollars, I want to see results that same day. Plus, I'm never home during the middle of the day, so if a package came, probably my Completely Untrustworthy Neighbors would steal it and then sit in their hammocks, laughing in a wicked manner.

I've got two more leads to try out, hopefully tomorrow- the Sports Authority (how I hate that store) and a patio furniture store I've never heard of, but drove by when it was closed the other day. If I have no luck with those, I begin to wonder if it might not be the best idea to just plant some trees in the yard and wait for them to grow.

Things I Can No Longer Say I've Never Gotten For My Birthday

Rodgers and Hammerstein CD
TP'd
A New Friend
Musk
Silly Triangular Birthday Flags
Kisses from an Italian Man

In Case You Aren't Yet,

You really should be a regular kottke.org reader. By NOT visiting that site, you're missing out on things like this:


A robot learning to flip pancakes from Sylvain Calinon on Vimeo.


And you're missing out on those things every single day.

Unexpected Worries

Here's another item to add to the list of things I never imagined I'd worry about:

"Oh no, the cleaning ladies are coming today and the house isn't dirty at all! They won't have anything to do! "

"Maybe we can do a rain dance to track some dirt in for them to mop up..."

Pro Tip

Want your blush to smell like blush when you get home from vacation?

Try storing is somewhere other than in your makeup bag full of freshly gleaned seashells! This will keep your makeup smelling like makeup and your seashells smelling like disgusting rotting fish, like they should.

For this and more vacation tips, check out my blog at www.areyoureallythatstupid.com !

Another day, another island

Nantucket is just as sweet and 1920's as I've ever imagined it to be. Our bikes have baskets on them (wicker baskets!) and they get us across the island in a leisurely half hour. There's sandy paths through the beach grass to get to the water, and the waves are satisfactorily pummel-y on my torso. It is, again, quite chilly here, and I begin to wonder why anyone lives anywhere else than on an island during the summer. Why be hot? Why be sweaty and gross in the desert when you can be cool and charming in Nantucket? Just move here for the summer, stay in a cute hostel or maybe rent a home for a few months, and work remotely. We have computers that connect to each other anywhere we want to! Why do we not take advantage of this more often?

Greetings from Martha's Vineyard!

Where the sun is shining all day long and the air smells like warm rootbeer and anyone on the street would gladly shave your back for a nickel, wokka wokka doo doo yeah!

Alright, so not really, but this place is pretty amazing. They have trees! and water! and a smallish bus service! and bike rentals! The best part? It's not New York City, the hottest place on the planet! I'm very glad to be in a place that has shade and a climate that makes me think that maybe I'd want a sweater in the evening. That thought will pass, I think, but it's still a nice thought.

The only thing that could make life better is if I had some way of getting my pictures into my computer to share them with the world right now. As it is, that will have to wait until I get home. Just imagine me with a silly boatneck red and white striped shirt on, walking around cute little towns, eating seafood near rich people on vacation.

New York is trying to kill me

Uuuuuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhhh. I feel disgusting. I think I will probably be like 20 lbs lighter after two weeks in New England. Everything you do here is like bikram yoga. First pose: walk down the street. Second pose: wait for the train. Third pose: try not to fall over when packed onto the subway car like cattle on a train to Chicago. Fourth pose: who the crap thought that swamp coolers would be enough in this hostel when my brain is obviously coming through my pores since there is no more sweat in my body?


Aside from that, our trip has been just peachy. I walked a gajillion miles today and the Cyclone at Coney Island almost killed me with whiplash. The hot dogs and chinese food and gelato made up for it, though. Next stop, Connecticut!

Predictions on what 19 ACT-takers will learn in college

• You're going to learn that you need to make better friends and be careful with your money.
• You're going to learn that the university is kind of hard and maybe you should've started at a community college.
• You're going to learn that the community college is kind of hard and maybe you'll just go to beauty school. Do beauty schools have sororities?
• You're going to learn that Engineering is pretty great, but it doesn't leave you much time for drinking.
• You're going to learn that your personality alone isn't going to cut it anymore. But you'll also learn that you're smarter than you think.
• You're going to learn that your chosen major will determine whether you have friends for the next 5 years.
• You're going to learn that you're smarter than all the other girls in the sorority, but you won't know what to do with yourself without it, so you'll stay.
• You're going to learn that you'll be the exact same person you were in high school, only older. This is not a bad thing.
• You're going to learn that Insect Science is awesome, even though it's full of nerds. You like nerds even though you're not one of them.
• You're going to learn that because you're blessed with good genes and good jeans, you will accidentally surround yourself with shallow people and you'll dumb yourself down for them without even realizing it.
• You're going to learn that no matter what major you choose (and you will try most of them), you'll be dissatisfied and disillusioned. Your hygiene will deteriorate and you will become that creepy grad student in the Philosophy department that never finishes his thesis.
• Your suspicions about the way the world works, and what your place is in it, will be confirmed. You'll graduate in four and a half years, join the air force as an engineer, and have a blonde wife and three beautiful children to celebrate your 30th birthday with.
• You're going to learn that you're not really passionate about anything, but you'll graduate anyway because your parents told you to. You'll become an accountant.
• You're going to learn that you are actually very politically minded, and your parents shouldn't be surprised when you get arrested at a rally that gets out of hand.
• You're going to learn that no matter what your GPA, your extensive community service, and no matter how good your times, no one will know your name for being on the swim team.
• You're going to learn how to convincingly lie about how you spend your nights. Energy drinks taste horrible but they really help you cram in hours of video games studying.
• You're going to learn that college really isn't as hard as you've been led to believe, but it's ok- there's a lot of English Literature classes to fill up your time.
• You're going to learn that, just like in high school, your protestant work ethic and above-average IQ will be exploited by your classmates. You'll learn this again in the "working world" after you graduate.
• You're going to learn that the problem with racism isn't persecution so much as it is the outrageous expectations put on your academic and athletic career, and even social life, based on ignorance and reliance on stereotyping.

Stealing yet another man's words- has it gotten old yet?

It's just that people keep on saying the things that I'm thinking (before I start to think the things I'm thinking). I think I might have a case of the feelings. That is all.

Another post in which I don't say many of my own words

But that's ok, you like me anyway.

Having spent an entire semester studying Canadian literature (oh wait, I skipped that class for about a month and a half straight, whoops!) Having spent two non-consecutive months studying Canadian literature, I feel that I have the moral authority to say that Kate Beaton is Right On with her first sketch in today's Hark, a Vagrant!

That is exactly how I felt when reading basically everything for that course. Canadian writers are probably the most depressed and depressing lot of writers you've ever wanted to avoid meeting. Somehow I feel like a better person for reading the Stone Angel, though. Go ahead, call me an impressionistic youth! I dare you.

ALSO

Recommended for me by Youtube:

Shane McGowan Christmas Lullaby
DuckTales theme song cover


How did you know, Youtube?

Know what they were listening to in space on Feb. 12th this year?

That's right, it was the Firefly theme song. In case you didn't catch it from Kottke.org, there's an amazing list of all the wakeup call music played on NASA's missions over here.

Baking Habits

I've recently been on this kick of only baking things that are Out of This World (or in other words, pastries that, when eaten, will take you out of this world and send you straight on to the next). Mostly chocolate things, but also lemon and raspberry things, and a few other flavors in between.

Case in point:

Yes, it's a terrible photograph. I blame the bad natural lighting and the fact that our kitchen table happens to be a similar color to the cookies.

But yes, those cookies are in a 9x13 pan. Yes, they're chocolate on chocolate. And yes, they are larger than my palm. I gave myself diabetes just looking at the batter. Now to take them to work.

My Favorite Spam Message, Like Ever.

European and American women are too arrogant for you? Are you looking for a sweet lady that will be caring and understanding? Then you came to the right place- here you can find a Russian lady that will love you with all her heart. Can't find a queen to rule your heart? How about beautiful Russian ladies that have royal blood and royal look? Here you can find hundreds of portfolios of these fine women of any age for every taste. Please excuse us if you are not interested.

I think this is just great. Right from the beginning, it grabs you. Hey, European and American women ARE too arrogant for me! Maybe I should look to some other continent. I need somebody humble. How about a RUSSIAN QUEEN? She must have a royal look. The best part, though, is the last sentence.

Please excuse us if you are not interested.

This conjures up an image in my mind, where there's like twenty russian women of all ages, all with a royal look, huddled around a desktop computer circa 1997, typing out these messages in unison and sending them out, hoping that it reaches some American dude that's fed up with all those arrogant Western ladies. Psh. Can't even call them "ladies." Those arrogant Western broads.

Overactive Imagination

Did you know that there are faces in my shower? Have I told you that before?

There's Stalin. He's near the faucet handle. Mustache and dorky hat and everything.

Vasco da Gama was probably the first one I saw. He's kind of in the middle of the wall, just opposite the showerhead. He always looks a little depressed, looking down and to the right (my right, not his).

Then today I discovered that kid from Where the Wild Things Are, wearing his hood with pointy ears.


In the bathroom in my parents' house, there's Bill and Hilary Clinton, a rat, and a creepy disembodied yelling head.


My query is this: are these just random happenings in the fake marble that gets put in the bathrooms that I live in, or is some diabolical marble-plant worker doing this on purpose, just to see it he can make people go crazy?

Look up, stupid!

Trying to buy a bunch of cookies and milk today in a seldom-visited grocery store, I realize that I haven't given my discount card to the checkout guy.

"Wait! I have a Fry's card!" I hold up my keychain expectantly while tapping my PIN into the debit machine.

"Fry's card?" The checkout guy doesn't take my card.

I look up at him in his blue shirt, and realize. Oh. Albertson's doesn't care if I have a Fry's card or not.

Then Again, Maybe There's Nothing Wrong with Me at All

I worry sometimes that people may think that I'm a hypochondriac. I read books, I make connections, and I sometimes identify parts of myself in what I read.

It's happened a couple of times recently where I suddenly realize that I'm reading about me. I get excited because FINALLY some things, some quirks, some general patterns in my life make sense. So then I tell people, and as I'm telling them, I fear that they won't believe me.

"This book is helping me understand so much about myself," I'll say, while at the same moment sensing disbelief and that vague, just go along with it nodding coming from my audience.

Don't they see that this really IS a breakthrough for me? And don't they understand the relief that comes when you can finally identify something that's been wrong for years and years, that you could never put your finger on? And don't they realize that I AM NOT A HYPOCHONDRIAC, THIS IS REAL AND TRUE?

Look Up!

In the air! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a bird. I saw more birds today than I usually see in a month of Sundays. I saw a hawk, doves, quails (how I hate them!), finches, a hummingbird, a cardinal, and an oriole. I wish I could make a joke about somebody flipping me the bird today, but alas, the people on the road were pretty civil, so no dice.

Happy Birthday!

Poorly executed "whimsical" birthday

Three matches to light eight candles birthday

John Lennon birthday

Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes birthday

Let it out, you're turning blue birthday

Cookies make an excellent cake birthday

Triumphant birthday

Muttonchop birthday

Blow the candles out, don't kiss them birthday

Typical Email Exchange with an old Coworker and Friend

RICHARD to ME

I was chit chatting with some female friends of mine, and I was explaining to them how someone rates on my "radar" (yeah, single people do silly things like that in case some of you have forgotten). After some more chatting, I somehow came away with agreeing to make a super cool excel spreadsheet that they could fill out while rating a certain guy (or it could go the other way if a guy wanted to use the spreadsheet. A much better version of the stuff like at eharmony.com). So my request to you peoples is: would you mind throwing out some things that matter when looking for someone to date/marry? I know, most of you have been married so long that you could have grandkids by now. Anything at all. i would prefer to just let the mind loose and come up with 100 things each. Okay, maybe not that many but no reason to hold back.

I will be dividing these topics into four categories, examples below: 

 

Physical Attractiveness-height
-body shape
-smile

Spiritual Attractiveness
-supports activities
-does his home teaching
-reads scriptures everyday

Personality Attractiveness
-similar hobbies
-respect for not killing sharks
-does not have annoying laugh

Shows Interest Attractiveness
-laughs at my jokes
-makes an effort to say hi to me
-remembers things that we talk about

 

Let me know if you need any clarification. Remember, the more cool topics the better I look to these girls...and maybe I will sell the silly thing to the Utah dating coach.

 

Go to town!

 

Thanks,

Richard

ME to RICHARD

Richard, what a great diversion from work for my lunch break! Here we go:

 

Physical Attractiveness:

 - good hands. This could mean a) strong , b) orderly fingernails, c) evenly calloused or d) prominent knuckles. No short fingers. I don't know why this is important, but it is.

 - stands like a man, and not a wimp. This doesn't necessarily mean perfect posture, just being comfortable with who he is.

 - his smile makes other people happy.

 - deepish voices are always good.

 - his body, and the way he uses it, lets you know that he would not die if you left him alone in the forest for a week.

 

Spiritual Attractiveness:

 - you know that he does have a spiritual side because it comes up in conversation in a non-awkward way.

 - not patronising.

 - magnifies his callings.

 

Personality Attractiveness:

 - CAPABLE: is able to physically, intellectually, and emotionally navigate situations he hasn't necessarily experienced before. He can figure out how to find a job, how to go snowshoeing, how to find his way to Pittsburgh, how to give a eulogy for a pet rat, how to make meatballs out of tofurkey. He doesn't have to do it perfectly the first time, but he does have to do it without being guided. This is by far the most important thing on this list.

 - has his own interests and hobbies.

 - not afraid to have a differing opinion than others, but also isn't combative about it.

 - likes to involve others in his interests and activities.

 - likes to learn new things.

 - confident in, but realistic about, his abilities.

 

Shows Interest Attractiveness:

 - he is excited to see me.

 - he smiles at me.

 - he asks me out.

 - he looks for ways that we can be together, and makes it happen.

 

 

That was kind of fun. Hope my input helps:)

RICHARD to ME

yeah, I have always thought thinking about people you want to date is fun, perhaps it is feminine, but I deep down think everyone likes it.

 

I remember when Roommate 1, Roommate 2 and I used to sit around talking about the girls we liked. Random conversation that really did not amount to anything, but still fun. Roommate 3 and Roommate 4 (Ed. Note: both now married) really never got into that. I would almost think that would be an indicator...but Roommate 1 is trying to break that mold.

 

I do appreciate all the insight. It is hard to think as others, and I wanted this master list to compile a range of thoughts and ideas. It is really not going to be complicated, simply the weight you want the topic to have times the values you givea  person, and presto! a rating from 1-100. I think someone needs to be in the 80% or above for a relationship to take form. But I also think that is not hard to happen when you like someone (the ever popular X factor.). But since it is my list, I get to break it down to the four categories since I feel they are all important. I know some people have already said stuff like "look don't matter since it is the lasting qualities that matter when you are old and wrinkled". Important, but it is easy for them to say since they are married.

 

Thanks again,

Richard

 

Thoughts I had during tonight's show

Why do there have to be so many people here?

Hurrah, we got here just in time for the band to come on!

I sure hope S. likes this, considering how much he just shelled out for a ticket without knowing who the band even is.

I hope my big silly grin isn't freaking him out. The spectacle and the music is just too much!

No, wait, NOW it is just too much.

Looks like S. is enjoying himself. Whew!

Wait, wait, wait, is that guy really playing the keyboard, or is he faking it? Shoot, it's fake.

Wait, it's real.

Fake?

I guess it doesn't matter. It still sounds good.

I like their footwork, with the bouncing from side to side like happy little kids.

EVERY band should have a standing cellist. Awesome.

Wait, they know Roll in My Sweet Baby's Arms? Awesome again!

With a disco ball? Inspired!

Silly grin just keeps getting bigger. I hope there isn't cilantro in my teeth or anything.

Why are they leaving?

Wait, why aren't they coming back on stage? The power of expectant applause is failing us! Quick, we need more applause!

Oh good, they're back!

That was good.

That was really good.

I may not be able to sleep tonight that was so good.

Why do there have to be so many people here?

Maybe you don't need to know this

Last night I had this secretly awesome dream in which some jerk of a girl* did something selfish (she waited for me to go to great lengths setting something up [a trampoline!], then got up on it and used it before I had a chance to) and I got TOTALLY PISSED and yelled shouted bellowed** at her, this extended string of angry vitriol until I was hoarse and unable to speak anymore.

I woke up feeling incredibly satisfied and powerful, then wondered if I should start shouting people down for little things more often. Perhaps I would be happier?


* no recognizable face, which is interesting considering the number of people whose faces my conscious self put in there after I woke up.

** like the horn of a huge cruise ship, or no! like the horn of Helm Hammerhand!

I'm just skipping over March completely. What has March ever done for me, anyway?

Here are some things that I've wished I could say to various roommates, past and present:

Grow up!

Could you please clean up after your margarita parties? I hate the sticky pink stuff all over everything the next morning.

Maybe wash the dishes once in a while.

Please wash the dishes a little less often.

Learn to live within your means!

You could do so much better than that guy.

How come *I* can't have that guy?

You know what your problem is? You don't care as much about other people as you do about yourself.

I hate your freaking soap operas. No one really acts like that.

Seriously, the way you leave hair all over the bathroom floor makes me late to work because I'm obsessive compulsive about where I put my wet feet after a shower. How hard is it to clean up your own damn hair?

I am NOT your mother.

You are not my mother.

Why can't you think more like I think?

Please never try to fry chicken wings again. I like my apartments not burnt down.

I love you.

A thing that annoys me and a thing that charms me

1. Mormons that are somehow unable to give thanks for RAIN in their prayers. If I hear one more person appreciate the "moisture" I am going to scream and charge out the door of the chapel. I will not wait for the amen.

2. Actually owning The Color Red and The Lost Year by Andrew Rose Gregory. New quiet time music!

DID YOU KNOW THAT...

When you finish loading the dishwasher and start it, then turn around to find a peanut buttery knife in the newly emptied sink, it usually isn't who you think it is? Today I learned the truth about the mystery knife user.

It's Satan, trying to get you to fight with your housemates.


NOW YOU KNOW.

Things I am in Love with recently

My new perfume! I finally moved away from vanilla, and got two great smells for myself. One is Pure Grace (it's all over the internet, I think, or was several years ago at least), which makes me smell kind of like laundry, and the other is Harajuku Lovers Lil' Angel, which reminds me of pineapple and a bunch of other stuff (Plus! It comes in the coolest bottle with a doll for a lid).

My laptop-using spot, on my stomach on the floor with my banjo stand right in front of my face. I'm still getting over my cold (argh, it's been a whole month now) and when I sneeze my banjo reverberates and makes fun noises in sympathy.

My yellow earrings that I bought a few weeks ago. They're big and yellow and go really well with purple sweaters.

I got to sit between a bass and a tenor in sunday school today. Not only are they amazing singers, but they were also the two most attractive men in the room. Don't know how I worked that.

My newly nail-less big toe. You're so cute with your nail-shaped indentation and leftover cuticle! Since the nail came off all in one piece, I'm thinking of turning it into a banjo/guitar pick. What better material to make one out of than a human nail?

Perhaps two hours at the bookstore is inadvisable

1. Why can't I find a good photography book that tells me just what I need/want to know? Please don't condescend (Photography for Dummies and Grandmas!), please don't be a users manual (I already got that with the camera), please don't be like from the early eighties with the haircuts in the example photos to prove it. All I want is something to explain what the mechanics of things are (please tell me about shutter speeds and aperture and how to mess with exposures) and also some helpful composition tips (maybe I need to take a class for this kind of thing. Theory of Making Things Look Good 101, perhaps). I do not need a book that includes a chapter on how to choose the right point-and-shoot for you. That is a waste of pages and I don't really feel like buying ten pages worth of book that I will not read. I ended up getting The Photography Bible by Daniel Lezano, because it is pretty dang close to what I'm looking for. Looking through it again now, after purchasing it, I'm happier than when I picked it up in the store. Good.
2. I think that there is something wrong with bookstore culture? sociologists? the buyers for national bookselling giants? me? I guess what I'm trying to say is that out of the whole shelf full of books in the section marked Sociology, not one of them appealed to me, even though it is the field that I chose to earn a degree in, and I truly do enjoy the field. I suppose there's a difference between academic Sociology with a capital S, and pop sociology sold to middle-aged ladies who quit college after getting their Associate's degree and never looked back. It's just a bigger difference than I thought it was. Again: is it too much to ask? Can we not have both academic and pop literature in the same bookstore? Must we dumb ourselves down for the masses?
3. So many freaking journals! Blank books of so many shapes and sizes! How much do they think people are writing anymore? Granted, the average person today probably records more of their thoughts for the enlightenment of others than the average person of ten or twenty years ago, but I am certain that over 97% of that is happening online, and not in journals. So either (a) I am wrong, and there are legions of people there still keeping Old-Tyme handwritten journals, (b) I am right, and there are a bunch of bookstores across the country with ten years' worth of journals in stock, or (c) people are buying journals for themselves and their friends, but then never actually using them. Depending on how long These Troubling Economic Times last, the empty journals could be made useful by burning them to heat houses and cook dinners.

At least I did find them

The other day as I was riding my bike into work, I had my purse, several hair ties, a year-old newspaper, a banjo capo, some antibiotics, a headlamp, a bottle of honey and a loaf of bread in my bike bag.

And yet somehow, my debit card and driver's license were missing for almost a week before I found them tonight under a pile of clothes in my bedroom. Perhaps now is the time for, if not a Spring Cleaning, then at least a Spring Organizing.

I want some cheese with my whine

Really? Am I really (really) that disconnected from every other human being? I'd say from all the other human beings on the face of the planet, but you have to account for those guys up in the space station, too.

When you wanted quiet and focus in the office, I wanted to fidget with anything, with everything, on your desk.

When you wanted to go out for mid-afternoon ice cream all I wanted to do was work on the project and get it done already.

When you were driving home from work with your fiance I was sitting in my office weeping ugly tears alone.

When you were talking about the Rain Man I wanted to talk about Fahrenheit 451, but I didn't.

When you were talking about autism and social cues and stemming I wanted to bring up Oprah neurons, but I didn't.

When you wanted to sing that Celine Dion/Barbara Streisand duet I wanted to bray like a donkey, and then maybe sing an Irish drinking song instead.

When you brought up the Age of Innocence I almost told you about A Room With a View and Where Angels Fear to Tread, but you changed the subject too fast.

When you were talking about your sweet husband and your sweet son and your exciting pregnancy all I could think about was how you smelled like hair products and how I never smell like that and how maybe you always smell that way. Maybe all normal women smell that way and that's maybe why I'm not married with a son and a pregnancy of my own, is because the men can smell that my hair isn't styled and therefore my hair (and the rest of me, by default) is unmarriageable.

How can everyone else in the world just live their lives like normal when I alone am so put upon? How?

Favorite Moments in 2009

• Making it through the first year at my job. Not only did I not get fired during the first year, but I also didn't quit! I think that's a hurrah.
• Making my first cheese. It was a cheddar.
• We made the move back from an apartment to a house. With a backyard! Putting up the Christmas lights on our house made me happy.
• Traveling with my friend Cammie. I keep needing to pinch myself to remember that this most fabulous of women is actually my friend. San Diego, Los Angeles, Barcelona, Madrid, Lisbon.
• Seeing Ira Glass. I felt kind of grownup, paying to see a man tell stories I could've just listened to on the radio for free. I liked it.
• Hurrah, two weeks with Krista.
• I can overcome physical challenges! 80 miles on a bike, 14 miles on a hike. Maybe in 2010 I will learn to overcome these challenges with some shred of grace and dignity. Bring it on, 2010!