Friday, May 14, 2010

Baking Habits

I've recently been on this kick of only baking things that are Out of This World (or in other words, pastries that, when eaten, will take you out of this world and send you straight on to the next). Mostly chocolate things, but also lemon and raspberry things, and a few other flavors in between.

Case in point:

Yes, it's a terrible photograph. I blame the bad natural lighting and the fact that our kitchen table happens to be a similar color to the cookies.

But yes, those cookies are in a 9x13 pan. Yes, they're chocolate on chocolate. And yes, they are larger than my palm. I gave myself diabetes just looking at the batter. Now to take them to work.

My Favorite Spam Message, Like Ever.

European and American women are too arrogant for you? Are you looking for a sweet lady that will be caring and understanding? Then you came to the right place- here you can find a Russian lady that will love you with all her heart. Can't find a queen to rule your heart? How about beautiful Russian ladies that have royal blood and royal look? Here you can find hundreds of portfolios of these fine women of any age for every taste. Please excuse us if you are not interested.
I think this is just great. Right from the beginning, it grabs you. Hey, European and American women ARE too arrogant for me! Maybe I should look to some other continent. I need somebody humble. How about a RUSSIAN QUEEN? She must have a royal look. The best part, though, is the last sentence.
Please excuse us if you are not interested.
This conjures up an image in my mind, where there's like twenty russian women of all ages, all with a royal look, huddled around a desktop computer circa 1997, typing out these messages in unison and sending them out, hoping that it reaches some American dude that's fed up with all those arrogant Western ladies. Psh. Can't even call them "ladies." Those arrogant Western broads.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Overactive Imagination

Did you know that there are faces in my shower? Have I told you that before?

There's Stalin. He's near the faucet handle. Mustache and dorky hat and everything.

Vasco da Gama was probably the first one I saw. He's kind of in the middle of the wall, just opposite the showerhead. He always looks a little depressed, looking down and to the right (my right, not his).

Then today I discovered that kid from Where the Wild Things Are, wearing his hood with pointy ears.

In the bathroom in my parents' house, there's Bill and Hilary Clinton, a rat, and a creepy disembodied yelling head.

My query is this: are these just random happenings in the fake marble that gets put in the bathrooms that I live in, or is some diabolical marble-plant worker doing this on purpose, just to see it he can make people go crazy?

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Look up, stupid!

Trying to buy a bunch of cookies and milk today in a seldom-visited grocery store, I realize that I haven't given my discount card to the checkout guy.

"Wait! I have a Fry's card!" I hold up my keychain expectantly while tapping my PIN into the debit machine.

"Fry's card?" The checkout guy doesn't take my card.

I look up at him in his blue shirt, and realize. Oh. Albertson's doesn't care if I have a Fry's card or not.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Then Again, Maybe There's Nothing Wrong with Me at All

I worry sometimes that people may think that I'm a hypochondriac. I read books, I make connections, and I sometimes identify parts of myself in what I read.

It's happened a couple of times recently where I suddenly realize that I'm reading about me. I get excited because FINALLY some things, some quirks, some general patterns in my life make sense. So then I tell people, and as I'm telling them, I fear that they won't believe me.

"This book is helping me understand so much about myself," I'll say, while at the same moment sensing disbelief and that vague, just go along with it nodding coming from my audience.

Don't they see that this really IS a breakthrough for me? And don't they understand the relief that comes when you can finally identify something that's been wrong for years and years, that you could never put your finger on? And don't they realize that I AM NOT A HYPOCHONDRIAC, THIS IS REAL AND TRUE?

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Look Up!

In the air! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a bird. I saw more birds today than I usually see in a month of Sundays. I saw a hawk, doves, quails (how I hate them!), finches, a hummingbird, a cardinal, and an oriole. I wish I could make a joke about somebody flipping me the bird today, but alas, the people on the road were pretty civil, so no dice.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Happy Birthday!

Poorly executed "whimsical" birthday

Three matches to light eight candles birthday

John Lennon birthday

Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes birthday

Let it out, you're turning blue birthday

Cookies make an excellent cake birthday

Triumphant birthday

Muttonchop birthday

Blow the candles out, don't kiss them birthday