Greetings from Martha's Vineyard!

Where the sun is shining all day long and the air smells like warm rootbeer and anyone on the street would gladly shave your back for a nickel, wokka wokka doo doo yeah!

Alright, so not really, but this place is pretty amazing. They have trees! and water! and a smallish bus service! and bike rentals! The best part? It's not New York City, the hottest place on the planet! I'm very glad to be in a place that has shade and a climate that makes me think that maybe I'd want a sweater in the evening. That thought will pass, I think, but it's still a nice thought.

The only thing that could make life better is if I had some way of getting my pictures into my computer to share them with the world right now. As it is, that will have to wait until I get home. Just imagine me with a silly boatneck red and white striped shirt on, walking around cute little towns, eating seafood near rich people on vacation.

New York is trying to kill me

Uuuuuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhhh. I feel disgusting. I think I will probably be like 20 lbs lighter after two weeks in New England. Everything you do here is like bikram yoga. First pose: walk down the street. Second pose: wait for the train. Third pose: try not to fall over when packed onto the subway car like cattle on a train to Chicago. Fourth pose: who the crap thought that swamp coolers would be enough in this hostel when my brain is obviously coming through my pores since there is no more sweat in my body?


Aside from that, our trip has been just peachy. I walked a gajillion miles today and the Cyclone at Coney Island almost killed me with whiplash. The hot dogs and chinese food and gelato made up for it, though. Next stop, Connecticut!

Predictions on what 19 ACT-takers will learn in college

• You're going to learn that you need to make better friends and be careful with your money.
• You're going to learn that the university is kind of hard and maybe you should've started at a community college.
• You're going to learn that the community college is kind of hard and maybe you'll just go to beauty school. Do beauty schools have sororities?
• You're going to learn that Engineering is pretty great, but it doesn't leave you much time for drinking.
• You're going to learn that your personality alone isn't going to cut it anymore. But you'll also learn that you're smarter than you think.
• You're going to learn that your chosen major will determine whether you have friends for the next 5 years.
• You're going to learn that you're smarter than all the other girls in the sorority, but you won't know what to do with yourself without it, so you'll stay.
• You're going to learn that you'll be the exact same person you were in high school, only older. This is not a bad thing.
• You're going to learn that Insect Science is awesome, even though it's full of nerds. You like nerds even though you're not one of them.
• You're going to learn that because you're blessed with good genes and good jeans, you will accidentally surround yourself with shallow people and you'll dumb yourself down for them without even realizing it.
• You're going to learn that no matter what major you choose (and you will try most of them), you'll be dissatisfied and disillusioned. Your hygiene will deteriorate and you will become that creepy grad student in the Philosophy department that never finishes his thesis.
• Your suspicions about the way the world works, and what your place is in it, will be confirmed. You'll graduate in four and a half years, join the air force as an engineer, and have a blonde wife and three beautiful children to celebrate your 30th birthday with.
• You're going to learn that you're not really passionate about anything, but you'll graduate anyway because your parents told you to. You'll become an accountant.
• You're going to learn that you are actually very politically minded, and your parents shouldn't be surprised when you get arrested at a rally that gets out of hand.
• You're going to learn that no matter what your GPA, your extensive community service, and no matter how good your times, no one will know your name for being on the swim team.
• You're going to learn how to convincingly lie about how you spend your nights. Energy drinks taste horrible but they really help you cram in hours of video games studying.
• You're going to learn that college really isn't as hard as you've been led to believe, but it's ok- there's a lot of English Literature classes to fill up your time.
• You're going to learn that, just like in high school, your protestant work ethic and above-average IQ will be exploited by your classmates. You'll learn this again in the "working world" after you graduate.
• You're going to learn that the problem with racism isn't persecution so much as it is the outrageous expectations put on your academic and athletic career, and even social life, based on ignorance and reliance on stereotyping.

Stealing yet another man's words- has it gotten old yet?

It's just that people keep on saying the things that I'm thinking (before I start to think the things I'm thinking). I think I might have a case of the feelings. That is all.

Another post in which I don't say many of my own words

But that's ok, you like me anyway.

Having spent an entire semester studying Canadian literature (oh wait, I skipped that class for about a month and a half straight, whoops!) Having spent two non-consecutive months studying Canadian literature, I feel that I have the moral authority to say that Kate Beaton is Right On with her first sketch in today's Hark, a Vagrant!

That is exactly how I felt when reading basically everything for that course. Canadian writers are probably the most depressed and depressing lot of writers you've ever wanted to avoid meeting. Somehow I feel like a better person for reading the Stone Angel, though. Go ahead, call me an impressionistic youth! I dare you.

ALSO

Recommended for me by Youtube:

Shane McGowan Christmas Lullaby
DuckTales theme song cover


How did you know, Youtube?

Know what they were listening to in space on Feb. 12th this year?

That's right, it was the Firefly theme song. In case you didn't catch it from Kottke.org, there's an amazing list of all the wakeup call music played on NASA's missions over here.

Baking Habits

I've recently been on this kick of only baking things that are Out of This World (or in other words, pastries that, when eaten, will take you out of this world and send you straight on to the next). Mostly chocolate things, but also lemon and raspberry things, and a few other flavors in between.

Case in point:

Yes, it's a terrible photograph. I blame the bad natural lighting and the fact that our kitchen table happens to be a similar color to the cookies.

But yes, those cookies are in a 9x13 pan. Yes, they're chocolate on chocolate. And yes, they are larger than my palm. I gave myself diabetes just looking at the batter. Now to take them to work.

My Favorite Spam Message, Like Ever.

European and American women are too arrogant for you? Are you looking for a sweet lady that will be caring and understanding? Then you came to the right place- here you can find a Russian lady that will love you with all her heart. Can't find a queen to rule your heart? How about beautiful Russian ladies that have royal blood and royal look? Here you can find hundreds of portfolios of these fine women of any age for every taste. Please excuse us if you are not interested.

I think this is just great. Right from the beginning, it grabs you. Hey, European and American women ARE too arrogant for me! Maybe I should look to some other continent. I need somebody humble. How about a RUSSIAN QUEEN? She must have a royal look. The best part, though, is the last sentence.

Please excuse us if you are not interested.

This conjures up an image in my mind, where there's like twenty russian women of all ages, all with a royal look, huddled around a desktop computer circa 1997, typing out these messages in unison and sending them out, hoping that it reaches some American dude that's fed up with all those arrogant Western ladies. Psh. Can't even call them "ladies." Those arrogant Western broads.

Overactive Imagination

Did you know that there are faces in my shower? Have I told you that before?

There's Stalin. He's near the faucet handle. Mustache and dorky hat and everything.

Vasco da Gama was probably the first one I saw. He's kind of in the middle of the wall, just opposite the showerhead. He always looks a little depressed, looking down and to the right (my right, not his).

Then today I discovered that kid from Where the Wild Things Are, wearing his hood with pointy ears.


In the bathroom in my parents' house, there's Bill and Hilary Clinton, a rat, and a creepy disembodied yelling head.


My query is this: are these just random happenings in the fake marble that gets put in the bathrooms that I live in, or is some diabolical marble-plant worker doing this on purpose, just to see it he can make people go crazy?

Look up, stupid!

Trying to buy a bunch of cookies and milk today in a seldom-visited grocery store, I realize that I haven't given my discount card to the checkout guy.

"Wait! I have a Fry's card!" I hold up my keychain expectantly while tapping my PIN into the debit machine.

"Fry's card?" The checkout guy doesn't take my card.

I look up at him in his blue shirt, and realize. Oh. Albertson's doesn't care if I have a Fry's card or not.

Then Again, Maybe There's Nothing Wrong with Me at All

I worry sometimes that people may think that I'm a hypochondriac. I read books, I make connections, and I sometimes identify parts of myself in what I read.

It's happened a couple of times recently where I suddenly realize that I'm reading about me. I get excited because FINALLY some things, some quirks, some general patterns in my life make sense. So then I tell people, and as I'm telling them, I fear that they won't believe me.

"This book is helping me understand so much about myself," I'll say, while at the same moment sensing disbelief and that vague, just go along with it nodding coming from my audience.

Don't they see that this really IS a breakthrough for me? And don't they understand the relief that comes when you can finally identify something that's been wrong for years and years, that you could never put your finger on? And don't they realize that I AM NOT A HYPOCHONDRIAC, THIS IS REAL AND TRUE?

Look Up!

In the air! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a bird. I saw more birds today than I usually see in a month of Sundays. I saw a hawk, doves, quails (how I hate them!), finches, a hummingbird, a cardinal, and an oriole. I wish I could make a joke about somebody flipping me the bird today, but alas, the people on the road were pretty civil, so no dice.

Happy Birthday!

Poorly executed "whimsical" birthday

Three matches to light eight candles birthday

John Lennon birthday

Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes birthday

Let it out, you're turning blue birthday

Cookies make an excellent cake birthday

Triumphant birthday

Muttonchop birthday

Blow the candles out, don't kiss them birthday

Typical Email Exchange with an old Coworker and Friend

RICHARD to ME

I was chit chatting with some female friends of mine, and I was explaining to them how someone rates on my "radar" (yeah, single people do silly things like that in case some of you have forgotten). After some more chatting, I somehow came away with agreeing to make a super cool excel spreadsheet that they could fill out while rating a certain guy (or it could go the other way if a guy wanted to use the spreadsheet. A much better version of the stuff like at eharmony.com). So my request to you peoples is: would you mind throwing out some things that matter when looking for someone to date/marry? I know, most of you have been married so long that you could have grandkids by now. Anything at all. i would prefer to just let the mind loose and come up with 100 things each. Okay, maybe not that many but no reason to hold back.

I will be dividing these topics into four categories, examples below: 

 

Physical Attractiveness-height
-body shape
-smile

Spiritual Attractiveness
-supports activities
-does his home teaching
-reads scriptures everyday

Personality Attractiveness
-similar hobbies
-respect for not killing sharks
-does not have annoying laugh

Shows Interest Attractiveness
-laughs at my jokes
-makes an effort to say hi to me
-remembers things that we talk about

 

Let me know if you need any clarification. Remember, the more cool topics the better I look to these girls...and maybe I will sell the silly thing to the Utah dating coach.

 

Go to town!

 

Thanks,

Richard

ME to RICHARD

Richard, what a great diversion from work for my lunch break! Here we go:

 

Physical Attractiveness:

 - good hands. This could mean a) strong , b) orderly fingernails, c) evenly calloused or d) prominent knuckles. No short fingers. I don't know why this is important, but it is.

 - stands like a man, and not a wimp. This doesn't necessarily mean perfect posture, just being comfortable with who he is.

 - his smile makes other people happy.

 - deepish voices are always good.

 - his body, and the way he uses it, lets you know that he would not die if you left him alone in the forest for a week.

 

Spiritual Attractiveness:

 - you know that he does have a spiritual side because it comes up in conversation in a non-awkward way.

 - not patronising.

 - magnifies his callings.

 

Personality Attractiveness:

 - CAPABLE: is able to physically, intellectually, and emotionally navigate situations he hasn't necessarily experienced before. He can figure out how to find a job, how to go snowshoeing, how to find his way to Pittsburgh, how to give a eulogy for a pet rat, how to make meatballs out of tofurkey. He doesn't have to do it perfectly the first time, but he does have to do it without being guided. This is by far the most important thing on this list.

 - has his own interests and hobbies.

 - not afraid to have a differing opinion than others, but also isn't combative about it.

 - likes to involve others in his interests and activities.

 - likes to learn new things.

 - confident in, but realistic about, his abilities.

 

Shows Interest Attractiveness:

 - he is excited to see me.

 - he smiles at me.

 - he asks me out.

 - he looks for ways that we can be together, and makes it happen.

 

 

That was kind of fun. Hope my input helps:)

RICHARD to ME

yeah, I have always thought thinking about people you want to date is fun, perhaps it is feminine, but I deep down think everyone likes it.

 

I remember when Roommate 1, Roommate 2 and I used to sit around talking about the girls we liked. Random conversation that really did not amount to anything, but still fun. Roommate 3 and Roommate 4 (Ed. Note: both now married) really never got into that. I would almost think that would be an indicator...but Roommate 1 is trying to break that mold.

 

I do appreciate all the insight. It is hard to think as others, and I wanted this master list to compile a range of thoughts and ideas. It is really not going to be complicated, simply the weight you want the topic to have times the values you givea  person, and presto! a rating from 1-100. I think someone needs to be in the 80% or above for a relationship to take form. But I also think that is not hard to happen when you like someone (the ever popular X factor.). But since it is my list, I get to break it down to the four categories since I feel they are all important. I know some people have already said stuff like "look don't matter since it is the lasting qualities that matter when you are old and wrinkled". Important, but it is easy for them to say since they are married.

 

Thanks again,

Richard

 

Thoughts I had during tonight's show

Why do there have to be so many people here?

Hurrah, we got here just in time for the band to come on!

I sure hope S. likes this, considering how much he just shelled out for a ticket without knowing who the band even is.

I hope my big silly grin isn't freaking him out. The spectacle and the music is just too much!

No, wait, NOW it is just too much.

Looks like S. is enjoying himself. Whew!

Wait, wait, wait, is that guy really playing the keyboard, or is he faking it? Shoot, it's fake.

Wait, it's real.

Fake?

I guess it doesn't matter. It still sounds good.

I like their footwork, with the bouncing from side to side like happy little kids.

EVERY band should have a standing cellist. Awesome.

Wait, they know Roll in My Sweet Baby's Arms? Awesome again!

With a disco ball? Inspired!

Silly grin just keeps getting bigger. I hope there isn't cilantro in my teeth or anything.

Why are they leaving?

Wait, why aren't they coming back on stage? The power of expectant applause is failing us! Quick, we need more applause!

Oh good, they're back!

That was good.

That was really good.

I may not be able to sleep tonight that was so good.

Why do there have to be so many people here?

Maybe you don't need to know this

Last night I had this secretly awesome dream in which some jerk of a girl* did something selfish (she waited for me to go to great lengths setting something up [a trampoline!], then got up on it and used it before I had a chance to) and I got TOTALLY PISSED and yelled shouted bellowed** at her, this extended string of angry vitriol until I was hoarse and unable to speak anymore.

I woke up feeling incredibly satisfied and powerful, then wondered if I should start shouting people down for little things more often. Perhaps I would be happier?


* no recognizable face, which is interesting considering the number of people whose faces my conscious self put in there after I woke up.

** like the horn of a huge cruise ship, or no! like the horn of Helm Hammerhand!

I'm just skipping over March completely. What has March ever done for me, anyway?

Here are some things that I've wished I could say to various roommates, past and present:

Grow up!

Could you please clean up after your margarita parties? I hate the sticky pink stuff all over everything the next morning.

Maybe wash the dishes once in a while.

Please wash the dishes a little less often.

Learn to live within your means!

You could do so much better than that guy.

How come *I* can't have that guy?

You know what your problem is? You don't care as much about other people as you do about yourself.

I hate your freaking soap operas. No one really acts like that.

Seriously, the way you leave hair all over the bathroom floor makes me late to work because I'm obsessive compulsive about where I put my wet feet after a shower. How hard is it to clean up your own damn hair?

I am NOT your mother.

You are not my mother.

Why can't you think more like I think?

Please never try to fry chicken wings again. I like my apartments not burnt down.

I love you.

A thing that annoys me and a thing that charms me

1. Mormons that are somehow unable to give thanks for RAIN in their prayers. If I hear one more person appreciate the "moisture" I am going to scream and charge out the door of the chapel. I will not wait for the amen.

2. Actually owning The Color Red and The Lost Year by Andrew Rose Gregory. New quiet time music!

DID YOU KNOW THAT...

When you finish loading the dishwasher and start it, then turn around to find a peanut buttery knife in the newly emptied sink, it usually isn't who you think it is? Today I learned the truth about the mystery knife user.

It's Satan, trying to get you to fight with your housemates.


NOW YOU KNOW.